Runners and triathletes are very social animals. They talk about pretty much anything under the sky. Some consider training as therapeutic because having time with others gives them time to vent and to process things in their lives that help them to gain a better perspective on life. However, some topics are taboo for many of these men and women.
One of the things many runners and triathletes avoid talking about is elimination, aka wizzing and crapping, urinating and defecating, spending a penny and going to the loo, shitting and taking a piss, etc. And that is exactly why we need to cover the pre-training/race and during training/race elimination actions!
While this aspect of the day is often an integral part of the day’s training or racing success, as many a training session or race was ruined with it, it makes many uncomfortable to discuss this stuff at all. With all that being said, here are some of the best ways to relieve yourself when you’re shit out of luck.
When nature calls and the shit cramp hits, or you can’t hold the golden shower back, the proper washrooms are unavailable and the port-a-loos are filled with mega long lines, what can you do?
10 Commandments of Comfortable Elimination
Like the Boy Scouts, always be prepared. This means:
- You must know ahead of time where the classy, and perhaps not so classy, joints with flushing toilets, bog roll, and wash basins are along your route and near your parking spot.
- If there are no classy joints or Johnny On the Spots handy, scan the area for shit spies, neighbors who aren’t naughty, law enforcement including animal control, and pervs, as well poison ivy, angry animals, and hornet nests. Do not incur a fine or misdemeanor, inflamed arse, rabies shot, and/or bulls eye on your butt, if at all possible.
- Rapid relief is most desirable! This is not the time to read the Sunday paper online on your phone.
- One should avoid private property if possible. However, if there is no time to shop around, corporate and privately held tops government owned depositories.
- Always have a few wet wipes, paper napkins, a doo rag or glove, extra sock, or broadleaf leaves (in that order handy). The more money and the more disgusting the item you wipe with, the worse off you will be. Bonus point for those who cover it up leaves, dirt, dead animal carcass, etc. We prefer you use coverage that will biodegrade over time.
- Make sure you find the absolute best way to hide and angle your ass, no matter how big it’s gotten in the “offseason”, away from full sight lines and quickly get ready to do your business and hit the road while you do this (undoing the race belt or drawstring and finding your quickest way out as you peruse).
- Ensure you avoid the inevitable splash or splats on your clothing or shoes! Sometimes, you are almost better off going all in – as in all over yourself then just having sprinkles for aesthetics.
- Practice if you are not a good actor or actress. You will need to convince whoever is aware that you didn’t, nor would you ever, do what you just in fact did.
- Make way to a hose or shower ASAP. If none available, use the wipe suggestions again.
- Now decide if you can reuse the clothing, items that you used to wipe and consider how to get that home to the laundry with the least smell and contamination of your vehicle. This is a good reason to keep a larger ziploc bag in your car.
Here are some other widely utilized techniques that we have either tried or learned about as we have queried those of you willing to discuss such fecal matters. Many of these are a variation of the Socrapic…err Socratic principle of unobstructing while obstructed.
Sneaking in the Bushes
High Grass or Trees – Where possible, ensure there is a full circular spot where your whole body is hidden. The less of your butt cheeks the better.
The Sit Down in the Open Field Slash
Popular among female athletes, this method has been pulled off successfully for many centuries.
Back Against the Wall
This method has the benefit of hiding your rear end while improving your core and buttocks, as it is like the wall sit exercise.
The Lay Down Piss
Just like it reads and can be done near a side of a wall, near the plastic fencing at transition, or the undercarriage of an uninhabited car. Careful not to roll up on one with a motion detector!
Towel Wrap Method
The benefit of this method is the multi use of a towel for wiping if need be. However, be aware, this technique often ruins a perfectly usable towel!
Both Car Doors with the Towel Drape
You are able to shield yourself this way but it can lead to a stink so think if you can move your car to new spot ASAP!
Shark Tank Shitter
The more knowledgeable spouse in my house says you can buy portable potties (Toilet 5 Gallon Bucket with seat/lid on Amazon.com currently for $12.99 with shipping) and bring them with you to use in the car. In a similar vein, there is the undeniably useful empty bottle (large sizes more), plastic bowl or pail, and the travel/hospital urinal.
Athletes all load up to perform, so it is their duty to do their doodies in the least offensive manner. If you are stuck and have to find a spot to go, think of the above techniques and be as prepared as possible.
Wiz or do your doodie and do not feel ashamed. Be proud of your creativity and let us know of any new ways to blast the course. It speaks to your adaptability and genuine humanity. Spray on and keeping on slaying!